Letters to my Ex: Trusting my voice

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"If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

- Anne Lamott

My mother never liked you. Seriously, she never liked you. Well, maybe I'm being too harsh. She thought you were a funny guy but her exact words were, "He's not good enough for my daughter." The funny part is how you thought she loved you to pieces. If only you knew.

For some reason or another, I was completely blind to whatever "hazard" she saw.  I remember praying about it and even though I'll never admit to my mom (let's pray she's not reading this), I knew she was right. But let's be honest, my mom will always say that a guy isn't good enough. Unless Jesus Christ comes down from heaven and points to the brother, she's probably not going to approve of many guys that I date. But since I am my mother's child, I did like she would... I prayed. And being the woman that I am, I requested that God answer my prayer with proof that you were the wrong guy. Yep, I made a request to Jesus, don't judge me! To make it worse, I requested 3 signs. You heard me right...not 1, not 2, but 3 signs. And do you think he responded to me? Do you think I was given any red flags in the next day?!?! Was Jesus paying me any mind?!?!?

Sadly for me, I was given not 1, not 2, but 3 signs in less than a week!!! And they were glaring red flags, I'm talking ambulance sirens were going off. So at this point, a lady with common sense would turn her heels, change her number, and leave you alone. Apparently, I didn't have that amount of common sense at the tender age of 17...but I digress. Needless to say, I dated you anyway. Years later, I have this to say....

Dear Kevin*,

For years, my world felt in disequilibrium without your presence. I would date other guys, you would date other girls, but we would always gravitate to one another. Maybe the challenge of our “love”, if that's what we can call it, kept me intrigued. Maybe it was the sheer need for me to prove my worth. Maybe it was my insecurity that kept me seeking approval from a man whose hands couldn't handle the weight of a woman like me. Because in actuality, we were kids. We were overgrown teenagers trying to turn an unhealthy dependence into a relationship.

egardless, I am thankful. Thankful that growth allows me to see my worth without shrinking to make room for a man's ego. Thankful that I learned to find my voice and require more from a relationship and more from myself. Thankful that our relationship gives me a glimpse of the woman I do not desire to be any longer. 

Gone are the days that I wait for you. That stage of my life is more of a lesson, not a painful memory of unrequited love. My heart doesn’t ache at the thought of you. My stomach doesn’t drop when I hear someone mention your name.

I find it odd that there was a time when I doubted that I’d be able to fully heal...but here I am. I am no longer the insecure woman questioning the power of her voice... and I genuinely pray you've grown since that stage of life. Peace and blessings.